You Put That In Your Mouth?
by SeeInBlackAndWhite
Summary: "I'm a sissy? This from the idiot that won't drink milk because it comes from cows." Ed and Roy eat out, and Ed finds joy in something unpleasant. Warning for a horrible 700 word punchline, and rated M for tasteless humor and mentions of smexings.


It was _horrific_. Quite possibly the most repulsive thing he had ever seen, writhing and twisting on the plate as though alive despite being severed. It looked like someone had dug deep into the ground and found the largest, slimiest, most hideous of worms, bathed them in oil, and set them on a silver serving platter for a great sum. It reminded him of a scene from a bad horror film as the struggling, disconnected limbs oozed their way onto the table where a tan hand snatched them back onto the plate. "Alright, Edward, you've taken this quite far enough. That is nauseating and instead of doing your best to revolt me why don't you order something real and we can _eat._"

Edward flung his head up and grinned cruelly, a slimy tentacle dangled from between his teeth before he savagely bit it in half and began to chew, dropping the still wriggling part back onto the tray after he could pull it from his fingers. "'S kinda rubbery," he related through his mouthful, reaching in to tug the 'food' from the roof of his mouth where a suction cup had taken hold. _Oh, good lord_, nauseating didn't even begin to cover it.

Were Roy a less mannered man he might have done one of two things, simply leave Edward to pay his own tab, or heave his guts onto the table before them. As it was, he managed to sooth his stomach through sheer force of will, and the reservation had been made under his name as far as the other option was concerned.

Across the room, Roy could see where Edward's choice of dinner had come from. A clear aquarium containing, now only four, opaque, slithering creatures sat nonchalantly beneath a sign that read 'always fresh'. Fresh, yes, but not dinner. Octopi had never been something Roy considered edible, not even cooked, and here Ed was wolfing down the uncooked product, so fresh indeed, that the detached tentacles were still moving, five minutes into the meal. "It's not bad," he said, still grinning maliciously, and held the plate out. Roy couldn't help but flinch away from the horror. "You should try it." He waved the platter away and grimaced.

"You are aware that is absolutely ghastly, correct?"

"Don't be such a sissy."

"I'm a sissy? This from the idiot that won't drink milk because it comes from cows." Edward tossed him a glare of proverbial daggers and swallowed heavily.

"That's different! Milk is _excreted_ from a cow," he lifted a piece of appendage and thrust it in Roy's direction, it curled around his fingers, leaving a trail of mucus so positively upsetting he thought he might prefer _anything _excreted from a cow over the ungodly thing being waved under his nose. "This is just meat and a delicacy nonetheless." Edward laughed uproariously before pulling his dinner out of Roy's face, "That look is priceless!" Carefully, the colonel managed to construct the semblance of composure and shook his head.

"That is ridiculous beyond all belief," he muttered, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling in a desperate attempt to keep his exposure to that vile substance minimal.

For a few speechless moments Ed smacked away and while Roy's order had arrived he couldn't bring himself to even think about eating it let alone actually putting it into his mouth. The simple thought of the texture Edward was consuming made it feel as though an octopus was already swimming about in his stomach. Ed noticed, and pointed out blatantly: "You aren't eating."

"No," was all Roy said, glancing to see that, thankfully, there was very little writhing left on Ed's plate.

"What a wimp," Ed chuckled, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "It's not that disgusting, it's not like I'm not used to having something throbbing in my mouth."

Roy blanched, he had never thought the day would come when a piece of sexual innuendo from Edward wouldn't be an instant hard-on, but it seemed raw octopus kept his soldier holed in the trenches quite well.

Actually, he was somewhat appalled. "How could you even think to compare having my cock in your mouth to **that**?" He asked, truly and thoroughly dismayed, offended even.

Edward seemed to think for a bit before reaching for one more disgusting limb from hell and lifting it to his mouth, "You're right," he started sticking his tongue out and letting one of the small suction cups latch on. "At least these suck me back."


End file.
